2020 The Year I Wanted To Quit But Didn’t. And What I Learned.

This is the week I step back clean up stuff from 2020 while contemplating what I want to focus on for the coming year.

It’s the week I set aside for me. To hold myself up and look at what I accomplished and judge myself with my critical eye… Did I do what I set out to do for the year? And what do I need to work on going forward?

2020 was the year that threw us all the curve balls and then as we tried to juggle them all at once….

It bit us in the ass.

And I mean seriously!

I won’t go into detail, because we all were affected. And when I mean all.. I mean ALL!!!

2020 gave us it’s best shots!

And I am happy to report I am still standing.

It’s actually a little odd however, when I sit back and look at what happened through the year. In December I declared the word for the year was #Unleashed.

To me this was the year I was going to go for it! Say the yes’s and see where that took me! Not stop and not give up and keep moving towards where I felt I was being led.

And I did that!

Even though I wanted to give up several times.

And it would have been so much easier to have folded in the towel and just walked away!

So so so much easier!

But I didn’t. I held on and while at times I could be found in tears or screaming at a random piece of wood that did nothing to me… I didn’t give up.

It was the year I literally documented an entire build of a house all filmed, edited and uploaded by me! It was also the year I had to think outside the box. Because when the pandemic hit and the lock-downs started all my internet uploading spots CLOSED and I was no longer allowed on campuses to use the internet!

So, since I am not quitting, I gathered my stuff up and packed a lunch and learned how to upload my video’s while sitting in my car, in the parking lot and using the wifi of said college in a safe social responsible way.

Win!

2020 was the year I was so looking forward to actually shopping and buying furniture for the newly built home. We finally get residency and 2 hours later received word our state was locking down. Furniture stores are now closed and no word in sight of when they will come back up. I wait the 2 weeks and it now turns into 4 weeks.

This is where my not quitting, finding a way attitude kicked in and I called the lumber yard and asked if they still delivered and promptly called them back with a large order when they said ‘yes’.

See, Parr Lumber doesn’t have the quitting attitude either!

They dropped off lumber the next week and I proceeded to build all my furniture!

Piece by piece!

Most everyone on my facebook feed was complaining about reruns and I was wishing I could just rest for a bit.

My build list was extensive. Garage shelving all 40 ft of it, Recycle Center, Master Bedroom bed, Maggie Graces bed/night stand, Office furniture, Dining room table, coffee table, side tables and a list of items to refinish in between it all!

I’m actually shocked I finished it all and then some!

The year also taught me how vicious some people in our community could actually be. My heart hurt as I saw people ruthlessly tear each other apart. Such needless pain that I noticed myself pulling away from a community that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. I found I no longer wanted to assimilate in to their culture. As the months drifted on I noticed myself finding other ways to connect with people that had the same values as me which led me further away from my community. People that cared for one another no matter what there last name was. Or where they were born.

It was a harsh lesson to learn. But one I didn’t say ‘no’ to. I allowed the painful process to work it’s way through my heart and into my soul. As it reached my soul I knew I was done! A line had been drawn in myself that would forever keep me from desiring to belong.

It was apparent, I would never fit in no matter how good or bad of a person I was. One is not judged on their content of character here, but by their last name. One is not judged by there pure motives or knowledge, but the generations they have lived here. One is not judged by their good, honest, works or integrity, but simply by their genetic line, no matter how mean or ruthless they are.

It became clear I was battling Tribalism.

I might go deeper into Tribalism at a later date. But for now, it was a tremendous eye opener and one I allowed myself to delve deeper into. Studying and really looking in to the way it works in the community I reside in was actually mesmerizing… Till you see all the people it literally tears apart and the line of bodies it leaves in its wake. And the people that just… don’t… care.

It broke my heart.

If you are a local and reading this… don’t suddenly call me and want to get together for coffee.. because I see right through you. We’ll meet at some cute local place and sometime during coffee you’ll bring up this post and want to know exactly all the details…

Ya, I’m literally done. I make my own Latte’s at home now.

I spend my time on my land or out on the trails with God and His pure beauty designing a new life and what exactly that will look like.

2020 was also the year we lost our beloved Maggie Grace to a massive seizure. Living so far away from actual help by the time we drove her in to a town with a vet that was open her body had given up.

It might sound like 2020 had nothing good to offer, but that would be a lie. I learned through Maggie’s passing that she left a legacy that is literally saving lives still after her passing. And that is worth celebrating! She also chose Joy every day she was alive even to her last day! So that right there is a huge lesson us humans can learn from!

So what does this year coming forward have in store for me? I am actually excited to proceed further from this point on. Although I am sure many will be shocked with this new insight I have and how I will be moving forward with life. But for me… we will leave more for later this week.

I am so excited!

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