Reflecting on the past year is something I have always come to do. I usually spend the week between Christmas and the New Year contemplating what was, what is, and what will be.
I spend the week intentionally being introverted. Something I have really come to love in these last few years. I go over my to-do list and read through my planner and see just how much I did and didn’t accomplish. Because honestly, without looking back I would just be moving forward, I would miss the tucked away moments in a busy world where the truth nuggets lay.
It’s also where I choose my word of the year.
I am perfect for me.
I am not a perfect person.
But I am perfect for me.
I am perfect for my man.
And here is the beauty of the word… As an adjective it’s absolute; complete.
I am enough!
But use it as a verb and it changes.
Perfect my skills
Taking time to perfect knowledge on what interests me.
Learn how to perfect my use of tools I own.
Perfect my knowledge in areas of interest.
It’s actually a perfect word for me this year. (Pun totally intended!)
So after the week of reflecting on my year I have learned quite a bit about myself. 2021 was the year of Refinement. You may remember seeing my fiery Facebook Cover Photo. It reminded me all year to burn what wasn’t working. Don’t be afraid to walk away and change it up and stop playing the get a-long game so we all can get a-long. I spent more time saying “No” to invites that took me away from the things I wanted to do and less time doing things I didn’t fully desire to do.
I had to come to the simple understanding that I had to say no to things, to free up time to say yes, to what I really wanted to do.
So while I said no, I said yes, to me. And what I found was the old version of me that dreamed and planned and made it all happen. She didn’t just talk about it. She didn’t worry about what someone else would think about her, or how they would talk behind her back. She literally adopted the phrase, “You do you boo” and started planning her dreams into reality. Pretty soon, my To-Do list shrunk and I started to free space inside my mind. Space that allowed me to dream further into the future on where I wanted to go.
I even have my own song!
Hang on while I dance to it before we continue.
Now, let me explain the song in my own words…
I found I love me.
The me when I am alone with myself is enough.
She is happy and funny and she doesn’t need to prove that she is worthy to even be liked.
I found this girl that is beautiful and sweet waiting for me in the pile of rubble around me.
I found I love following my own lead… Taking myself places and learning what interests me.
I actually fell in love with her when we were kids. She was myself before I lost myself.
I’m not giving her up this time.
I plan to care for her and hold her heart as if it’s my own.
Because, it is.
I’m dancing in the light because I lost this girl and while I hold her tight I never want to let her go.
We share the same favorite songs.
When I think I look like a mess, she whispers back to me I am perfect. And I listen to her.
I found a woman that is stronger then I knew she could be.
She shares my dreams and hopes and the most amazing man.
She carries more than just my secrets and desires, she carries my heart.
She reminds me of who I was and who I am again.
She helps me be a kid, and fight against all the odds. While laughing along the way.
I know, this time I will be alright. I found me again.
As I look in the mirror I have faith in what I see.
Faith that as I have leaned on God for so long that He was faithful in protecting me and restoring me to who He wants me to be. He led me back to the girl He so amazingly knit me in to being, showing me that she was perfect in His eyes.
While I don’t deserve this.. I am ever so grateful for the journey I have been on.
Here is the Perfect song:
I know it’s bold of me to choose the word perfect. Many will mistake it as if I am calling myself a perfect person without faults. Which is farthest from the truth. (Insert my laughter here). This journey I have been on, the one that led me into a huge pit of hell and doubt and despair. The journey that had me literally reading, as a last ditch effort, about how the brain works and processes information and if it can be reprogrammed, so I could pull myself out of this huge hole that I allowed myself to be thrown into… This journey led me back to finding the me that God created! The little 6 year old girl that chose happiness and joy and was so naive that when someone insulted her she just thought they were a little weird like she was. This girl was the missing link to finding the true version of me.
So, where does that lead me into the New Year? Exactly where I need to be. Finally on the right path! I finally fit! I am moving forward with the dreams and desires that I have had all the way back to that 6 year old little girl… and I am not stopping to make sure everyone else approves.
Because frankly, the only ones I consult are God, and my amazing Husband!
Here is one last motivation for your journey….
For those of you that don’t know me or haven’t even seen a moment of my struggling journey I leave you with this: Through a weird course of events I was knocked off my axis. To the point where I didn’t know who I was. I was literally lost. I know God, and I clung to him. And slowly, with the help of some sweet friends I quietly asked to help me remind me of who they knew ME to be. And they did. I studied countless books and researched endlessly on how to fight to find myself again. I was lost. God wasn’t. But my brain turned towards the negatives. Like people hated me! Or I wasn’t good enough. Or no one liked me. But I knew God loved me. I was happy, but I was miserable constantly fighting the negative thoughts in my world. That was not who I remembered me to be. I will be honest, It took years, and I am still working! Years of constant work, reminding, help, and encouragement (mostly through scriptures) to one day wake up and realize, I was staring back in the mirror at the funny, happy, goofy, little girl that wanted nothing else but to laugh at life and herself and find the beauty in the odd world around her.
I might even start another rock collection!
If this is you… I just want you to know, that finding that person, the one you lost, is totally possible! Don’t give up!