I think I need to paint the picture…
This view I am sitting in front of.. The green pasture with the cows just at the edge of the hedgerow.. I always wonder if they know the bay is just on the other side? Is there a fence down there stopping them? Or if they could… would they venture for a swim?
My partially eaten breakfast sandwich… and hot full cup of coffee, that personally I have been reheating since 5:50 am when my darling husband placed it by my bedside followed with a kiss…
The washing machine can be heard down the hall and the turning of the bread machine is churning…. With the anticipation of sweet smelling fresh bread in moments to arise. Then there is Mozart. I love to listen to Mozart!
But the one thing that is different in the years that have gone past is this:
I am writing again.
Which is huge if you know me. Huge in the fact that for me to write… it’s almost as if the planets have to align in a perfect shape and the angels have to hold the keyboard while we all dance to Mozart. #17 to be exact.
It’s my world… You’re just reading in it right now.
These last 9 months I have focused on looking for BEAUTY. What does that look like? What is it like to smile a real smile and truly feel it rush through your brain and down into your toes? What does it look like? Genuine beauty, what does it look like?
It’s different for us all. My beauty is totally different for me then it is for you. Which when you stop to think about it… makes helping someone find there’s… near impossible.
For instance, I find a dead rodent on the front porch BEAUTIFUL! They multiply fast and every dead rodent is potentially 150 dead rodents in the year to come! So I celebrate those kills with my farm cats! And they know they are cherished and loved…. Until they poop in the radish bed.
Don’t eat my radishes.
We actually don’t grow radishes anymore.
Beauty to you might be a shade of lipstick. Or a fancy sleek car. That’s the sheer beauty of it all. It’s different to each one of us.
So last year when I realized I didn’t even know what BEAUTY looked like I felt lost. Where was my joy in life? Who was I really? When did I lose my joy? When did I stop looking for the beauty in life?
I remember being truly happy and a happy person. The problem was I couldn’t remember when I last felt that, and where or what I was doing in my life.
But deep inside I knew that wasn’t me. I knew, that God wanted more for me then to experience a dull existence. I knew we were all supposed to live a full and vibrant life. I just didn’t know what that looked like with me anymore.
Then one day I woke up and going about my chores something caught the corner of my eye. They were the cows in the field across from where I live. When we first moved here I would sit and watch the cows every morning over coffee… They would meander through the field throughout the day and at times you could catch them playing and running and chasing each other. For a city girl… I was fascinated. I still am.
[Warming up my coffee….. Again]
When the house was built below me and partially blocked my view I stopped actually watching them each morning. Quite possibly because I also noticed the neighbors were watching me looking out the window and I didn’t want them to think I was being nosey… So I left the cows to wander in the field on their own.
I wonder if they missed me.
I wonder if they realized I named them? I wonder if they have real names?
So, back to this one day, pouring a cup of coffee and picking up the kitchen I see my cows moving about at the field below and I stopped. To watch. It was in that moment of looking at my precious cows that God used to answer all the questions I had been pondering over my year of healing.
Yes, my child, you are loved. You were made to be different and to stand out and why for the life of me do you want to fit in to this broken world? This, these cows is what you delighted in. the beauty of this mountain in front of you that you haven’t looked at in years is what you saw as beautiful. The beach and sand between your toes that you haven’t been on in those years is what you desire to fill your heart. I created all of this to give you rest and beauty and to refresh you. And you have chosen to focus on the pain and hurt and hatred. Those are not things that I desire in this world. I have made you different and in my image for so much more than the pain you have experienced inside of you. And if you will allow me to show you… what I find beautiful I will bring you back to the true and authentic you that I created.
[I feel the need to stop and inform those that are going to question… That I hear God speaking… Simmer down. This is what was going through my brain…. The answers I had been seeking for well over a year came flooding in all at once. While my soul understood these answers and I had found the answers in the bible during this year. It was apparent during this time that I couldn’t get my heart and brain to literally believe them as truth. Till God used my cows to stop me… and the Holy Spirit to answer them, and my heart to open up and accept them as truth. ]
So my silent journey started.
Each day I woke up and started to look at the world for what God wanted me to see. Not what the world wanted me to see and read.. But I looked for things that were beautiful.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes I took ALL day to find something and sometimes I never would. Life is totally like a rollercoaster. Some days are full of ups and others can bring a sharp turn and downward spiral… But it’s holding on during the spirals and having faith that the roller coaster will eventually go back up..
And then you just rebuild that rollercoaster darnit and make it what you want in this world!
The most miraculous thing happened along this journey of mine.
I started to see more beauty. Like it was jumping out at me.
I started to catch myself smiling.
I started to hear myself laughing.
I started to feel and hear the Holy Spirit welling up in me and pointing me in the direction of where I was to go….
I started to cry and let all the pain and hurt puddle on the floor… and then I would wipe it away and throw the tissue in the burn barrell…
I started to be attacked by the enemy more… and severely.
I withdrew and composed myself and reentered society, several times. God allows U-Turns and do-overs and don’t let anyone tell you differently!!!
I started dreaming in chapters again.
The last one is huge my friends. I haven’t dreamed in chapters for years… complete books were written in my head over the course of nights sleeping. I would go to sleep and wake up with another segment of a saga unfold.
And I sigh… with a smile on my face as I realize how dearly I missed that.
Life is not perfect. We live in such a fallen world. But that doesn’t mean we weren’t created to experience joy beyond our wildest dream. Even during the hardest trials of our life.
But my joy isn’t your joy. It’s different for each one of us. I love that.
A bit ago a dear friend stopped by the property to give me a hug…. I love when those 5 minute stop by’s happen. She made a comment I can not get out of my head. ‘I got a text from a friend that they just don’t know what joy is anymore.’ My heart hurts for this person that I don’t even know. Because I have been there. I know this… I was this… and how do you help someone out of that cycle? Because my joy is different then what they would consider joy.
Not everyone celebrates over a dead rodent on their front steps!
But the steps to finding your personal version of joy could be the same as mine…..
Look for the beauty in life…. Everyday…. Intentionally seek out what is beautiful and celebrate it. Yes, make a cake for the dead rodent if that tickles your fancy. Because the more you celebrate the beauty… the less time you will have to wallow in the hurt and pain…. And eventually you will see the cows in the field running again.
No really…. Heather and Natalie were just chasing each other in the field… No worries.. They didn’t run into Henrietta. She’s still eating her chosen grass… This is Tillamook here… Our cows are females… we do the cheese here.
Today, promise me that you will go out and find one thing that is beautiful to you today… and take a photo of it. And if you want to follow what I find beautiful you can follow me on Instagram here where I literally stop and post what I find beautiful daily… but be forewarned… I find odd things beautiful! Or you can follow me on Facebook here. If you found this helpful, I would appreciate you sharing this with your friends.
For this moment… this is my beauty…. You reading this and hopefully finding a joyful moment.