The other day I have an interaction with a familiar person and I am left in a spiral.
My husband clearly knew this was going to happen because while we had many errands left in the day to continue on with…. He chose to instead head straight home without a word… or mention… of said interaction.
I sat in the passenger seat motionless… silent.. proud that I was letting it ‘roll off my back like a duck…’ and how well I had done with the interaction. Till we hit our driveway.
30 feet in to the driveway the tears start to stroll down my face and I am left once again asking… “What did I do?” “Why?” “What can I do better next time?” and the famous…. “Is this normal?”
To which my husband usually remains silent for them all… as he knows the questions are going to come… one after the other… it’s best to let them roll and during a breath of mine is his chance to speak. He doesn’t miss a beat.
“No honey, this isn’t normal.” His comforting voice echo’s. “None of this is normal!”
He knows I will spend the next few days reliving the encounter over and over till I can piece the entire conversation into some sort of understandable semblance of order.
He knows I will be reliving many aspects of my past. As if I am opening a box and throwing it all back in the middle of the floor and piecing them one by one back into a new order… of which I will declare it once again as organized and unerring.
He also knows that I will find flaws in the order I place things. I will reorganize and question things… and once it is all put into order, something will happen that will cause me to throw it all back out on the floor again….
Only to do it over…
… And over again.
This would most likely drive the average man crazy in a sense. But not my husband. My husband listens and watches the process and helps pick up the pieces. He knows each one better then I do at times. Reminds me of the facts in each piece that my brain is conveniently refusing to recall in this moment, and spends the time to reorder them once again. With utmost care and love.
My husband is not average by any means. He exceeds the husband scale.
I can’t help but wonder at times, however, if it’s his sense of investigation that has him peaked as to the order the pieces all go back in. If this massive puzzle is intriguing to him. Using his detective mind to discover the truths around all the manipulations and contradictions we have found along the way.
My dispatcher brain knows this isn’t normal. I have seen ‘not normal’ and this closely resembled those not so normal moments.
But it is my normal.
I walk past the mirror and see my tear soaked eye’s. Once again… seriously… not again!
I fall to my knees and start to pray.. the tears flowing between my gasps is only something audible for the Holy Spirit to understand. I have faith that He is relaying my heart ache to my Father in heaven. He is interceding for me.
I know full well I have once again, been put into a lose-lose situation and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. Nothing I could have done to win. Or come out shining! This is a common situation for me.
So common that the bible versus and quotes from my studies, pastors and counselors are already coming to my thoughts…. All the times that this has happened in the past come flooding forward.. the advice I had been given is freely returning as if the Holy Spirit keeps it close to His reach to bring it out at this exact moment.
Within what seems like hours, on the floor, snot rolling down my face, my husband by my side I utter the words… “This isn’t my fault”
To which my husband replies, “No this is not your fault.”
I continue… I didn’t do anything wrong. I am a good person. I don’t deserve this. There is nothing I can do about this. I can’t do anything different in the future. …
I go on….
Each one my husband affirms as truth into my heart.
Both of us backing it up with biblical verses we have memorized during these times.
One last comment… “This isn’t normal” I sniff out again.
“No, this is by far, NOT normal.” My husband replies.
He helps me up off the floor and into bed. Where I lay, in his arms, listening to his breathing before falling asleep.
This … this life I have with this man… This is Normal! This is what a real relationship is about.
I right the above for those of us who have moments that shatter us. I was recently asked what to do to help get out of these moments. This is what I have learned:
1. Have a plan before those moments come.
2. Play it out in your mind before it occurs… over and over so your brain knows what to expect when it does happen.
3. Find people in the beginning that can help you unravel the details of the past and help you figure out what normal really is. For instance, I had many things that occurred to me… that I thought were normal. It wasn’t till I was working as a 911 dispatcher that I learned.. those things I was accepting as my life… were highly against the law!!! A good therapist doesn’t mean you will be in therapy for years… It’s different for everyone. I just needed someone to listen to me and say…. Ummm… Ya, that isn’t normal. This is normal behavior.. that is a sign of this….
4. Find good biblical teaching that can help you unpack what God’s word is really saying. I say … “good” and cringe. Recently I have become aware of many churches given very bad advice. But find verses that you can pull out from memory to help you unpack and ingest the incident that just happened to you. Let Jesus and His word show you how He wanted you to be loved. His Truth… Doesn’t lie. Read books from solid Christian Authors.
I’ll just leave it here… “There is never a good time to hit a woman! NEVER!!!! Not even to get her to submit to you!!!!” Oh and I’ll add…. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. You can’t work yourself into exhaustion hoping your man will love you. Love is given… Not earned.
5. Call a friend who knows and share it with her. Have her come over and be with you as you work it out. The more she is there for you the better she will be able to tell you…. THIS ISN’T NORMAL! And she will be able to recite your versus to you… Assist you in prayer and calm you down. My friend… is my husband. He is my best friend! I know, that’s rare these days.
6. Recite truths that you know. What is it that happened and what is it that you know is true? The truth really does set you free. Remember evil hides in darkness.
7. Memorize bible verses and recite them…
8. Pray.. get on your knees my friend and pray!!! Satan is literally attacking you and you want to throw a pity party instead of praying???? No, No, No Girlfriend!!!!!! (or guy friend).
9. Learn and analyze from this moment. Everything that happens is happening for a reason. Learn from it. The more time you spend in learning from it the easier the next event will be. Trust me, there will be more. Satan has your hot topic button, and he will be pushing it as often as you let him.
That being said….. If you have made a mistake work towards making amends. If you need to forgive… work on that… trust me.. You will waste precious time if you hold a grudge on someone because they hurt you. Move on… forgive… you don’t have to restore the relationship. If it’s unsafe for ya…. trust me.. we aren’t supposed to be around unsafe people. Just read Ecclesiastes and look at all the times it talks about foolish people and to flee from them.
Finally, ask the Lord for Wisdom. Ask Him to put your name on people’s hearts to send you encouragement or to pray for you. Ask Him for how He would like to see you handle the situation. Trust me when I tell you He will! He will have people for unknown reasons to them send you a bible verse they feel silly about sending you…. and it will be exactly what you needed to read.
The other night I begged God… Literally, it wasn’t pretty my friends. It was actually down right the ugly snot cry! I begged Him to send me someone that can share His love with me. Anything Lord… I need just a word or verse… anything!
Almost in a way that was like He was taking immense pleasure in showing off His love for me.
Someone shared an image with me that they thought was endearing and I would like. What they didn’t know… was it was exactly what God needed me to hear and learn about myself. I will be adding that image to my tool-box to pull out the next time satan tries to plow me over. The attacks still come… but how I handle them is getting better and better.
(I have intentionally left out massive details and verses. ON PURPOSE! I want you to read this and put your situation in it and learn the verses He is calling you to know. I want you to seek Him and allow Him to fill you up!)
I also would like you to be there for other people in their time of need. Send a thought or heart emoji next time you think about someone. Text someone you are praying for them… Trust me when I tell you…. God is asking you to in many if not all of those cases!!!!